Worst Facebook Applications Ever

As part of an attempt to take over the world, Facebook launched their Developer Platform - a technology that allows anyone with an ounce of programming skill to create an application that can be added to people's profiles. The downside is that everyone with an ounce of programming skill has created an application.

Add-ons range from mildly useful and amusing to utter junk. There are a few that truly exemplify why development should not be made quite so easy: they're annoying, pointless and trashy.

(fluff)Friends

Users can now add a ridiculous pet to their profile - essentially, an image of either an animal or vegetable that friends can "feed" or "pet" by clicking on ordinary grey buttons. And what should happen if somebody interacts with your pet? Does it do a cartwheel? Does it sing? No, decades of accumulated computing development has lead to technology that allows (fluff)Friends to display the names and profile pictures of recent petters/feeders in a plain list beneath the creature's static image.

Suggested alternative: Buy a budgie.

No War

To think that world peace organisations have gone to so much trouble when all it takes to stop war is for a few Facebook users to stick a yellow "No War" image on their Facebook profile.

The reviews of this application really show that its users understand the complexities of global diplomacy, for example:

"And how insane would he be to decide to wage a war! I hate wars!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAR"

"war is not good."

Suggested alternative: Taking an active role in promoting world peace, starting here.

Fortune Cookie

I know what I'll do to make my neat, easy to follow Facebook profile take up twice as much space without increasing the quality - I'll add a whopping great picture of a minging rusk and make it display random, meaningless text.

Suggested alternative: Taking advice that's not dependent on the outcome of 'rand( )'

MSN Big Brother UK

The one thing the world does not need is more exposure for reality TV yet MSN offers an application that posts "breaking news" from the Big Brother house direct to your profile.

Suggested alternative: Burn down the Big Brother house.

My Dreams

Now you can easily keep a Facebook dream journal. There's enough online rubbish about what people get up to when they're awake without flooding the internet with tales from their sub-conscious too.

Suggested alternative: Get on with life.

Date Rate

The principle is simple - you select an ex and answer questions about his or her dateability; this is then stored somewhere so that their future partners can see what they're getting themselves into in advance. Questions include "How are they in bed?" and "What is their financial situation?" Fortunately the application doesn't seem to take itself too seriously, which is fortunate because if I think it's a harsh thing to do to your ex partners, it must be bad.

Suggested alternative: Moving on.

Compare people

After showing you pairs of friends and asking questions ranging from "Who is the most useful?" to "Who has the biggest cock?*" I thought this application would attempt to rank your friends on a range of dimensions, which would have been tacky in itself. However instead, after I'd answered 20 questions it told me it didn't have enough information to tell me about my own friends and so showed me a list of strangers instead. Hmm, useful.

Suggested alternative: Not judging the people you care about, or your Facebook friends.

Make up my mind

You have to love an application that puts "Don't know how to dump your boy/girl friend?" and "Can't decide what to wear?" in the same sentence. Apparently now you can post such a question on your profile and your friends can help you to make up your mind. I wonder, if I decided to initiate such a poll, would my girlfriend get a chance to vote on the future of our relationship, or would it be limited to random acquaintances and poke buddies?

Suggested alternative: Autonomous thought.

My Binary Name

Why 1,125 have chosen to add an application that converts their name to binary code and displays it in a nerdy green on black image, is beyond me. I suppose, in these times, simply being an internet user isn't enough to assert your nerdiness so geeks have to make that extra step.

Suggested alternative: Join a re-enactment group or paint some Warhammer figures.

Stress Meter / Mood / Moods (I) / Moods (II)

When someone feels like slitting their wrists, do they really want every man and his dog to hear about it on the news feeds?

Suggested alternative: Communicate with friends on a more direct level.

5 Facebook Applications that I hope will never be made

Princess Diana Quotes

A quote a day about the "People's Princess."

Shag Rate

Rate your Facebook friends' bedroom skills and share your opinions with others. Create league table of your conquests.

Jingle Along

A choice of 12 happening midi files to play at high volume whenever somebody loads your profile.

Escort Finder

Enter your price range and we'll find you an escort for the night.

Cancer Pet

Posts an image of a cancer victim to your profile and have your friends nurse him back to health by clicking buttons every now and then.

* I may have made that one up.

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