10 Things I Hate About Weddings

Weddings, weddings, weddings - you can't get away from them, at least not if you're around about 30 and using Facebook this summer. Every Monday I'm treated to, at the very least, 100 wedding snaps, usually the same 100 as the week before, but with different faces on top of the identical bodies.

It's not that I don't like parties or the concept of marriage, it's just that I hate nearly every aspect of nearly every wedding. So you want to get married? Fine. So you want a party to celebrate? Fine. But why in the world do you need to ride to a cathedral on a $10,000,000 unicorn to prove that you love somebody?

Below are 10 of the things I hate most about weddings.

The complete absence of specialness on the special day

Of the many, many parts of a typical wedding, which bits are there because the bride and groom actually want them, and which bits are there because "The Good Wedding Guide" (available from Amazon for £179.99) says they should be?

So the bride's a tom boy with no female friends, but the guidebook says there must be bridesmaids, so she enlists the support of three second cousins twice removed and a waitress from her favourite coffee bar, whilst her best friends and brothers sit in the congregation wondering why they're not part of the bridal party when a racist distant relative gets to stand behind the bride shooting evils at her Asian future-hubby.

Ridiculous costs for ridiculous services

According to http://www.weddingsday.co.uk, the average UK wedding costs £18,500; that's 73% of the average gross annual salary. Most of this money will be spent on making your wedding exactly like every other wedding. Then, after the wedding, you won't be able to afford a loaf of bread, but at least you'll be able to look at photos of the lovely bread rolls embossed with horse shoes, that you paid £3 each for at the reception.

The number of third world countries you could save for the cost of the bride's outfit

Don't get me wrong, I love dresses and wedding dresses are no exception. However, the average bride spends £1,590 on her outfit. What is it made from? The hair of Norwegian virgins?

If I was to stumble into some sort of god-awful modern rom-com version of the film Brewster's Millions, where I was told I could win a large sum of money if I spent £1,600 on one outfit in 24 hours, I still don't think I could do it.

Perhaps I'm not being fair, some women just can't stomach off-the-peg; but in that case, why is the average total budget for bridesmaids a comparably piddly £575 for the whole set?

Women who start going loopy about weddings when they are 3 and just get nuttier

I have personally witnessed a girl who has written her own vows, despite being single, a girl who's bought a wedding dress despite not being engaged to her boyfriend and I've listened for two hours as a group of girls transformed a discussion called "How to photograph white clothing" into a full scale war about who had the best wedding.

What is the matter with these people?

What if Girl #1 has written "I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you..." and then marries someone with Familial Dysautonomia? What if girl #2 has bought a chiffon dress and then "The Good Wedding Guide 2019" outlaws sheers? Girl #2 is definitely not the type to mess with The Guide.

The complete insignificance of the groom

Many women seem to forget that their wedding is about two people. Which parts of: flowers, balloons, garters, veils, shoes, cake, rings... sound manly?

On a photography course we were told, "When shooting a wedding, turn down the exposure compensation on your camera, so that you can see the detailing on the bride's dress. This will mean that you the groom's suit will be completely under-exposed, but nobody will notice that."

Atheists who marry in church because they like nice buildings

If you can't be a hypocrite on "the most important day of your life" then when can you be a hypocrite?

Sure when you said your vows, you didn't really mean the bit about "in the presence of God", but that doesn't have to undermine the significance of the bits you did mean. So what if you lied in your wedding vows? You did it in a building with stained glass windows!

Wedding photography

Oh my god, this wedding photograph checklist includes shots such as "Mother of the bride fastening the bride's necklace" and "Bride & Groom hugging guests, laughing." How spontaneous! No wonder every wedding album I see looks identical to the last one.

Theme weddings

Given my dislike of conformity, you'd have thought I'd approve of theme weddings. However, here are some I found online:

(from left to right: super hero, war, ghetto, zombie.)

Do you see my problem?

Speeches made from templates

The speeches have the potential to be the most personal part of the whole extravaganza - they're free-form, they're made by people who actually know the couple... So why is the internet full of sample speeches? Surely, "I've loved Mavis since I first set eyes on her" loses some of its worth when Mavis has replaced the phrase "(insert name of bride here.)"

Also, why should tradition dictate who gets to do the talking? The groom's bloody best mate gets lines, but the bride is a silent role? Doesn't sound fair to me.

Bachelor parties

You've finally found a man who'll marry you, despite all your flaws. It's been a long journey, but you're almost there. So what do you do the week before the wedding, when you're on the home straight? You go out, get plastered, shag a 15 year old boy and catch crabs. "The Good Wedding Guide" says that itching at the alter is definitely out.

11 Comments

Weddings do have a lot of politics. Even though the couple may start thinking, "It's my day and I'll do what I want," they still feel forced to do a lot of things. There are always people at the wedding or in the wedding who are there because if you invited someone else, you had to invite them too. When I get married I want it to be like an Oxford ball, with activities and events going on for hours.

Here are four more things that bother me about weddings:

1.) The readings and songs are always exactly the same. One of the readings is always "Love is patient, love is kind, etc. etc. etc."

2.) If you try to be nontraditional, it freaks people out. My sister did not register for her wedding - they wanted cash rather than dinnerware. People kept calling her and my mother, asking, "Where did she register? What, she didn't register? But I *have* to get her something!"

3.) If you try to cut corners to save money (because you might find it silly to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a party), people think you're cheap.

4.) Engagement photos. Like wedding photos, they're all the same - phony, posed, "artsy" photos of a couple in the woods, the girl with her head on the guy's shoulder and their eyes closed, their hands out in a way so you can see the ring, etc. They're about to get married in a few months - why do they need hundreds more pictures of themselves now?

Posted by Kaitlin on Thursday 12th August, 2010 at 13:18

If every bride in the UK made a pact to chop off every unnecessary corner, then nobody would have to spend extortionate amounts on corners, just to keep up with everybody else.

Posted by Sha on Thursday 12th August, 2010 at 14:03

Brilliant rant! I'm exposed to the same bumph every Monday as well! It's enough to make you vomit your breakfast all over your computer screen - not a good start to the week.

Posted by Avi on Thursday 12th August, 2010 at 14:56

Vomit your breakfast! does seem to be a running ambience this year. Hopefully evoking quiet admiration and playful jealousy will come back into fashion soon.

Posted by Sha on Thursday 12th August, 2010 at 19:16

Impressive frugality!

Posted by Sha on Monday 23rd August, 2010 at 20:37

Not quite what I meant! Hee hee.

Posted by Sha on Monday 23rd August, 2010 at 21:21

Hee hee! Where did you go?

Posted by Sha on Sunday 5th September, 2010 at 20:59

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