The Four Types of Football Supporters in Pubs

Having wasted no less that half an hour searching the Cowley Road area for a pub where I felt comfortable to watch a football match in alone, I have been able to divide pub football supporters into four crude categories, ranging in degree of tolerability.

1. Traitors (Least tolerable)

There are some people who go to a pub to watch football then at some point, decide to neglect the match in order to chat up a woman. These people range from moderate (those who maintain that they support their club but insist on talking through the entire match) to those who are complete prats (those who pretend they have no interest in their team just because the person they are trying to chat up supports the opposition.)

In the last few months I've witnessed many football traitors including two gooners (clearly marked by their Arsenal shirts) who, on noticing that my stunning Spanish friend and I were supporting Barce, loudly announced "It's only football, I don't really care." Very believable.

I've also found myself in the company of a 50 year old Spurs fan who had even gone as far as to have the club's logo tattooed on his arm (he must feel a fool now they've changed it), yet once he discovered that I write plays, he ignored the football and launched into a 20 minute speech on how it was his life's ambition to write a play. He seemed to honestly expect me to maintain eye contact with him throughout, even though the game was still in full swing. Of course when the guy's buddy returned, he pointed out that five minutes before I sat down, the old guy had maintained that it was his life's ambition to play for Tottenham and had never shown any interest in writing.

2. Social Supporters (Mildly tolerable)

These are people who don't really like football but either try to force themselves to take an interest or pretend to because they think it will be socially advantageous. Many of the members of this group are females trying to impress men. These women usually choose to "support" the same team as the guy they fancy and will happily abandon their team when they move onto another man, even if it means switching between two age-old rivals.

Other typical members of this group are guys with absolutely no sporting abilities who were always the last to be picked for football teams in school and so are trying to reclaim some street cred and self-esteem by putting all of their energies into appearing to be a genius on the ins and outs of professional football. Ironically most of these have never set foot in a proper stadium. These men usually pick teams near the top of the premiership to try and compensate for their deep routed anxiety about being a loser.

3. Die Hard Fans (Quite tolerable)

Die hard fans are usually completely unaware that anything else is happening in the pub besides a football match. Even if Keira Knightly walked into the room they probably wouldn't notice and if they did, they wouldn't care until after the match and the post-match interviews. These are the kind of people who'd rather risk wetting themselves in front of 50 people (including Keira) than nipping to the toilet before half time.

Die hard fans defend their team with great force. Even if they are complete rubbish these people will never ever admit that one of their players has made a mistake. These people plunge 50% of their budget into making sure that they always have the latest kits, not just home and away strips but also the goal keeper shirt in both long and short-sleeved versions. On faced with the decision of whether to attend their own mother's funeral or watch their team in an FA Cup Final, they'd take a portable TV to the church.

4. Down to Earth Fans (Most tolerable)

Once in a while you meet a refreshingly down to earth fan. These are people who go to see the occasional game at their team's grounds and usually watch them whenever they play on TV. You can usually spot them because they're wearing an out-of-date football shirt.

Unlike Die Hard Fans, these people do notice other people in the pub but unlike Traitors, they're happy to restrict conversations to 2 minutes at a time, even if you're female. These people also understand that even if you're discussing a dying relative (which let's face it, isn't really valid football talk) it's perfectly acceptable to interrupt to leap around with joy or yell at the screen, should anything mildly interesting happen.

Regrettably Down to Earth fans miss half of the goals because sod's law dictates that if you nip out for a wee or rush to the bar at 44 minutes in order to beat the half-time rush, you'll miss the only 30 seconds of interesting play in the whole game. That's the price you pay for being reasonable.

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