Swimming pool morons - A spotter's guide

The world is full of ridiculous and annoying people and swimming pools are not immune to them, despite the overall state of euphoria generated buy having a really good swim. Below is a list of the main categories of swimming pool moron to watch out for.

Vanity Clare

Some people may consider swimming to be an unwise choice of pastime for the woman who can't stand to mess up her hair, but that doesn't seem to stop her. She ties her glossy locks in a ridiculous bun and adopts a swimming stroke that makes her look like a severed head bobbing along in the water.

Then, despite her dedication to dry hair, she blocks up the communal showers by spending ten minutes washing, conditioning and polishing her mane. The queue for a sensible-lengthed rinse gets longer and longer as Vanity Clare tosses her hair like a bad Organics advert, winking at any hovering men.

Cut-throat Mitch

Rather than using the fast lane, this type of swimming pool fiend insists on swimming in the medium speed lane and trying to overtake everybody despite the absence of space to do so. Unfortunately however, he is not quite speedy enough to pull this off and so spends 4/5ths of the length splashing along side you getting in the way, whilst ploughing into people coming in the other direction.

Cut-throat Mitch could be quite fast but instead swims with clenched fists to push other swimmers out of his course, vastly reducing the quality of his stroke. He sees everybody and everything as a challenge. He even rushes to the front of the queue if you walk into reception at the same time.

Gossiping Gertie

Although she believes she's there to keep fit, Gossiping Gertie hovers at the end of the lane chatting to her sister about the kids and getting in everybody's way. She needs five rounds of groaning about her husband before she's ready to brave her first length and then once that's done, she resurrects her chat at the other end of the pool. She never understands why she gets so cold in the pool, as she clings to the edge occasionally shaking a foot. After her 2 minutes of swimming interspersed with yapping, she retires to the cafe for a hot chocolate covered in whipped cream, and then moans that her metabolism is not what it was before the kids, when her trips to the leisure centre cause her to actually gain weight.

Flexing Rex

He struts out of the sauna and stands next to the pool doing unnecessary warm up exercises. He checks the glue on his stick-on chest hair before gliding into the pool with an illegal dive. He then scent-marks a lane with his over-powering aftershave and stops at the end of every length to take a look around to check who's watching - unfortunately he doesn't see anyone because everybody with lungs is at the other side of the pool trying to breath clean air. He gets out of the pools and walks around the changing rooms in a risqué towel.

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