Morons on rails - A spotter's guide

Since it's moron week, I thought it would be negligent not to mention the vast array of human irritations that you get on trains. There's something about being packed into a speeding metal tin that makes many people even more intolerable than usual.

Mummy Screamalot

Her kids are managing a six hour journey from London to Paddington, as well as any children can be expected to, but suddenly her seven year old daughter's cute chorus from Mary Poppins is interrupted with screeches of "Shut the %$@& up Britney!" - It's not an ironic comment about the quality of her daughter's singing, she has actually called a child Britney. No matter what the poor children do, the mother looses her rag and gets louder and louder, climaxing with "Think of the other passengers!" at the top of her lungs.

Fred Mintphone

Just in case you don't notice how important he is from the designer suit jacket carefully draped over a briefcase so that the label just happens to be showing, he decides to take an important business call at the top of his voice and allows it to continue for three times as long as is necessary, just so that he can repeat key points such as "He won't be making any decisions until I get there, of course." He goes to the buffet car twice, just so that you can watch him strut his stuff, but unfortunately his usually irresistable swagger is affected by train wobbles and he looks a drunk uncle at a wedding as he stumbles from seat to seat.

Hermione Small-changer

Even though she's in a WHSmiths that only serves train passengers, it has never occurred to her that other customers might be in a hurry. She spends the three minutes queue time browsing the cover of Heat magazine instead of getting her wallet ready. Then when she gets to the front of the queue and delves to the bottom of her handbag, she decides to pay for her £14.38 shopping using the exact change. But, just as she is about to count out the last 3p, she notices a stack of reduced bars of Galaxy chocolate on the counter, adds one to her shopping and decides to pay by card.

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