A man's guide to selling himself online

Take a look at a dating website, any dating website, and you will find men trying to sell themselves in pictures. No doubt these men think their albums are filled with subtly and originality, but more often than not, the photos follow a familiar pattern. Below is a summary of the favourite pictures men use to sell themselves online.

1. The hobby that requires me to take my shirt off

"I couldn't possibly upload a simple topless photo specifically to show off my ripped torso, or I'd look vain. In this photo I have gone to great lengths to make it clear that fishing is the subject of the photo, and the fact that I happen to be topless is just a secondary factor. I always fish topless, looking away from the lake.

Other photos from this range include me changing the oil in my car topless, me abseiling topless and me barbecuing burgers clothed, no wait, I mean topless."

2. The Mugshot

"Much as is pains me to include a photo without any of my bulging muscles showing, my favourite dating website stipulates that I must include a full frontal face shot. I've spent ages perfecting my 'Come to me' face - note the smiling eyes and stern mouth. This says 'Ladies, I'm approachable, but not to be messed with.' This photo was taken in 1992 but I see no reason to take a new one now that I'm 52, bald and welded to pebble glasses."

3. The well-travelled snap

"I did mention, in my opening sentence, paragraph 2, twice in paragraph 4 and again near the end, that I travel, but just in case you didn't notice, here is me by a whopping great mountain. I haven't actually climbed this mountain - in fact I've only been out of England once, and that was on a singles holiday to Ibiza - but I thought I'd slip in my one and only holiday snap that doesn't involve me chugging beer from a coconut, held between a stripper's thighs.

"I read somewhere that many women prefer well-travelled men and I see no reason to assume that there is any individual variation or that there are women out there who might actually like me for who I really am."

4. The cute animal snap

"Look! Here is me with a kitten/bunny/chick. How could any man who had his photo taken with a fluffy animal EVER forget a birthday or anniversary? I want you to think I'm sensitive, but I can't be bothered to think of examples of sensitive behaviour, so instead I thought I'd steal a ducking from its mother, to show you just how caring I am."

5. Me with a kid

"I don't actually like kids, and if I got you pregnant, I'd emigrate, but I'm not daft - I have realised that hinting that I might one day be ready to start a family, increases my market value by around 30%. This is a photo of my my second cousin - I think it may be a girl. It's a shame I didn't have any actual milk handy when I took this picture, because I filled the bottle with bleach to make it look authentic and I'm sure she drunk a little, still, I'm sure she'll be fine - bleach kills germs, right?"

6. Me and my car

"Oh my goodness? How did my very expensive car get into the background of that picture? There was me trying to show you how I look in grey slacks and my shiny gold sports car accidentally got into the frame. Oh no! Now I've let slip that I'm rich. Oh no, I hope I don't get any really hot blonde gold-diggers messaging me, that would be dreadful. If only I'd thought this through more carefully."

7. Me at a wedding

"How can I make a gal think about commitment without offering any commitment whatsoever? I know! I'll upload a photo of myself at somebody else's wedding. That way the ladies will get the impression that I'm surrounded by influences in steady relationships and they might not notice that I'm a spineless commitment phobic moron. This picture is actually from my dad's marriage to a Russian mail order bride - his forth wedding, but who needs to know that?

The wedding snap also gives me a chance to show how thoroughly irresistible I look in a suit. Ladies, form an orderly queue."

7. Me and my mates

"The men in this picture are buff-balanced, so that I'm the strongest-looking one in it. I've airbrushed out my female friends so that potential dates don't feel threatened, and fortunately my alcoholic brother was already unconscious when the photo was taken. Actually, now I come to think about it, this photo doesn't reflect my actual friendship group at all, but it does make me look popular, just in case that wasn't clear from all the hints about my wealth and muscles."

Note: The photos accompanying this article are not from actual dating websites. Most of them are stolen from image banks and 2. is Christian Carter, a muppet who writes sexist self-help books.

2 Comments

I'm so using ALL of those tips :o.

Posted by Goth Dave on Tuesday 4th May, 2010 at 17:13

You should have a 'like' button... otherwise I'll have to keep writing 'I like this' under every post which would tire very quickly

Posted by Helen D on Thursday 13th May, 2010 at 21:35

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