Morons on holiday - A spotter's guide

Moron tourists are probably full time morons, but I'm only treated to an insight into their lives during one season of the year - yes, summer brings sun, warmer sea and a wider range of ice cream, but the price we pay is having to paddle alongside the sort of people who get written about in articles like this.

Larry the Lobster

Larry wants a tan, and nobody told him that the way to get one is not to get as much sun as conceivably possible during the first day of the holiday, and then go out again the next day without sun protection. Nothing, not even agonising pain or shedding large chunks of skin, will urge Larry to put on a t-shirt, which is a shame because a lovely shirt would also shield his builders' bum. Locals look at Larry and shudder. He radiates heat as he walks on by, moulting layers of skin as he goes.

Shopping Sharilyn

Sharilyn comes from London, where they have one or two of their own department stores, high street clothing chains and Sturbucks, so what does she do when she gets to St Ives with its many galleries, local craft shops and independent traders? She goes straight to New Look to try on some of the latest fashions, packs her bags full of clothes that they sell all over Britain, and then nips to the seaside town's only American coffee chain for a Caffe Vanilla Frappuccino Light Blended Coffee.

Posing Patty

Patty only spend six days a year on the beach, she never swims, and when she goes to her favourite tanning shop, she gets in naked. So why does she own 47 swimming costumes? At first, you're impressed; you took at her gym-nurtured body in a red baywatch swimsuit and for a moment, you think well of her. Later, when a girl struts past in a pleasing sky-blue bikini, you're quietly appreciative, until you realise it's the same girl. Throughout the week you watch her change from spots to stripes, from wired to non-under-wired, from full briefs to thong and back again... Not once does she exhibit a single good reason to change her costume, never stepping foot in the sea or going near a calorific dripping ice cream. The size of Posing Patty's swimsuit selection is second only to her collection of kitten-healed flip-flops.

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